I joined Weight Watchers in September 2017. This was the final straw. I was ready to turn to a new chapter in my life. Yatta, yatta, yatta you know all the sayings. I knew this time was going to work for me because I put my money on it. I paid for three months because I was dedicated THIS time. I lost 6 1/2 pounds in two weeks. See I told you. I got this together! BAM! Then life gave me an unexpected sucker punched in the stomach that knocked the wind out of me. My ears were ringing and I couldn’t quite comprehend what the hell this Dr. is talking about. Why the F was he saying that my mom have liver cancer? How the hell do you even get liver cancer? Why is the doctor moving at the speed of lightning? Why, why, why I had so many questions.
In the meantime I went to weigh in at Weight Watchers because I already paid my money. I stepped on the scales and I gained a pound. The lady behind the counter said “oh you gained a pound this week, just try a little harder next week”‘(You might want to skip this next couple of sentences) I WAS THINKING…Bitch I will jump over that counter (well I can’t jump so maybe walk behind that counter) and choke the shit out of you. If you knew the week I had you would celebrate me gaining ONLY one damn pound. The only thing I’m going to try harder to do next week is stay strong for my family. I wanted to tell her so bad F you and Weight Watchers right now! I knew I was taking my thoughts out on this poor lady. I’ve missed a couple of weigh ins after that one but I didn’t give a damn.
Well, one day I decided to go to weigh in, it was time to face the music. (well in this case face the scales) Guess what? I got the same Bit….I mean lady as the last time. I gave her my passbook, she said oh I see you missed a couple of weeks. Wow she must have passed her detective exam for that one. I got on the scale and prayed Lord please don’t let it be up 5 lbs or more. This heifer ( well I didn’t call her a B this time) said well you are up 2 1/2 pounds! I wanted to jump for joy like I won the lottery. I was smiling ear to ear. I could see her was confused like this simple minded fool must don’t realize she gained 2 1/2 pounds. I then felt the need to explain to her why I was happy about my 2 1/2 pound weight gain. I explained my mom’s health issues and I was just hoping it wasn’t a bigger gain than it was. I should have explained how the other week I was about to walk behind that desk and beat the shit out of her but this week I was much calmer so she should be grateful for that too.
Oh let me get to the point of how this whole blog came about. Last night I realized that all my Christmas parties are here and my goal was going to have about 10-15 pounds gone before Christmas. I brought some cute jeans from Sam’s and they didn’t fit but I wasn’t going to take them back beacuse I was going to loose weight by Christmas to get in them. My first Christmas party is tonight! I found those jeans that I kept hung behind my door and tried them on AND…..drum roll please…..those bitches still don’t fit!!!!!! I can’t button them but I think if I use the rubber band trick I can wear them. What you do is put the rubber band through your button loop hole and you wear your jeans with a large shirt over it. Hey whatever it takes to make it happen. So then I realized that Christmas is here and damnit I didn’t loose anything. Then I realized something that I did loose…..MY MONEY ON WEIGHT WATCHERS.
I must be fair to Weight Watchers, I loved the program but I chose not to follow the program. Well I guess this year I won’t be sexy again for Christmas.
Don’t sue me Oprah!